Sunday, June 22, 2008

Someone to play Monica to my Chandler...

Prepare yourself. This is a rant and a depressing diatribe at that. This isn't going to be one of those helpful columns. Instead, I'm genuinely asking for your opinion. Notice I said opinion and not a cliché pat on the back, aw shucks; it'll be all right kinda crap comment.

I’m referring to the crapshoot that is dating.

Sometimes I think the gulf between the sexes is too wide. It boggles my mind how different we are from one another on just a general basis. Then you throw in the specifics like hobbies, mannerisms, life philosophies, views, ideas, perspectives, the works and we're suppose to traverse each other's psyche like a mental minefield in hopes of finding enough commonalities to bond with each other?

It all sounds like too much work.

We've all sat around day dreaming of, without investing the sweaty legwork of time, money, anguish and heartache, that perfect person who instantly knows, understands and LOVES us completely. This daydream-spawned personality is perfect and loves us for our imperfectness, including all our little quirks and inconsistencies. The problem with this daydream is, while temporarily satisfying, it eats time like a pothead at a buffet. It also periodically brings into sharp relief the reality that we DON'T have someone and that depresses us further.

It's thinking like this that leads one to understanding why the lifestyles of gays and lesbians is so appealing to liberal minded folk. Now hold your horses there, before you jump on your soap box about how gays and lesbian lifestyles are not choices, they are instead unchangeable genetic maps, blah, blah, (yes, I agree but) blah, understand this: it is folly to simply characterize someone as ignorant simply because they think, day dream, gossip, consider or wax philosophical about it being a choice. An amazing part of the human condition, which deals with all things stress related, is our ability to turn the other cheek. Sometimes a person can accept things so far and no further. Anyone who has come out of the closet to a parent and continues to share a very uncomfortable, “cheek turned in total denial” relationship with said parent knows exactly what I'm referring to.

The appeal comes from the notion that, and I’ll use myself as an example, since women are such a massive mystery to me, another man makes more sense. I mean, here is someone I can relate to before I even open my mouth (jokes ensue). He and I are the same sex. He and I are more likely to have the same mannerisms, like the same things, get off the same way, etc. Now try to remember, I’m talking about a momentary lapse in thought, another daydream borne from our desperate, frustrated selves, tired of coming away from a date scratching our heads and wondering, what the hell just happened.

The problem with THIS daydream is, every man at one time or another questions their sexuality in their life and some get it done and over with pretty early in their lives while others struggle with it for years or longer. I have no confusion as to which way my flag flies. I far prefer the smooth, soft caress of a woman to the bumpy, ugly, hairy stench of my own. In fact, so repulsive are my peeps that I am amazed that all women aren’t lesbians. Who would want to bump uglies with someone already bumpy and ugly…?!

Another problem is I suppose you never know how much in common you should have with a person where you can determine that said person is right for you. We’re all fishing and, never mind if it’s 5 pounds under weight. We’re happy we caught someone at all. We’re SO happy in fact that even if they aren’t right for us, we fight to make it work sometimes because we don’t want to be alone. We latch on and convince the other person that “It’ll all work out, let’s make this work.” What we’re really doing is holding this person until someone better comes along. Of course this is the wrong thing to do to someone else. It’s unfair and I personally wouldn’t want it done to me. To be used like that until they found someone better suited.

Of course I find it amazing that there are couples out there that mutually agree to use each other until someone better comes along. It’s like being alone is so undesirable that their willing to risk the pain and heartache that is inevitable when their partner finds that someone better.

Oh, and married people piss me off. Almost all my friends are married, happily. So if I mope about the fact that I’m single and lonely, I get to be an audience member at an improv display of public affection while they briefly thank God (silently) and each other (publicly & loudly) that they have someone and don’t have to do the single people dance anymore. Don’t get me wrong; my friends are just that (friends) and great ones too, but they’re a constant reminder that I’m not good enough to be married or I would already be, wouldn’t I?

So, being the social recluse that I am, I eventually get so lonely and bored with myself that I start not to care about all those things that make me have such low self confidence and I live the life of a hermit. I start to peek out of my shell and look around, go places, meet people, mingle! Man just saying the word nauseates me. I then meet someone who I have a smidgen of interest in, go out on a date and usually get hurt. Usually it’s me who’s getting rejected. Rare is the case that I’m the one rejecting. So I get hurt and go back to playing spinster once again.

And I suppose this cycle will continue until comes the day I get so tired of being lonely and desperate that I go out much more often until I finally win this crapshoot and hook up with someone just as lonely and desperate but by this time both hers and my defenses are so worn down, we don’t care anymore. So then I guess I have the future of being married to a stranger to look forward to.

When I die, I have SOO many questions for God. This is such a strange life with so many inconsistencies and so many opportunities for hurt and disappointment. God I hope I get the answers to my questions before I die. I think then my life will have meant something.

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